At least I know that they cannot break my heart.
A Mother’s Heartbreak….
Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers. You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold. You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer. For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.
Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day. A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight. Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home. He has not been home for the past two weekends. This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears. Generally. This coming weekend is Mother’s Day. This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy. But no. No mother’s day for me this year.
He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him. That it doesn’t mean anything really. This, of course, was after he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent. This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.
This breaks my heart. But I know it is not his fault. These are the things that go along with him being an aspie. He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks have. But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.” Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.
And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”. Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight. I prayed that he would call me. He did not. I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely. I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.
Cosmopolitan what the HELL are you thinking?!?!?!
In the same week that the full transcript of the Kobe Bryant police interview is released in its ENTIRETY leaving no one with even the smallest shred of brainpower the ability to deny that he is most likely guilty of raping that poor girl, Cosmo lists Kobe as on of the 30 hottest guys in the NBA. Seriously? I don’t think rapists are sexy….do you?
I have long been debating on whether to renew my Cosmo subscription when my 3 year subscription runs out this year. I think that with them acting this irresponsibly I will have to say thanks, but no thanks.
I am going to take a minute and get really deep and emotional with you all…..
My family took my child from me when he was just over a year old under the guise of it being just “guardianship” so that they could get him insurance since I had lost my job, was losing my apartment and everything was going south for me. Instead of helping me to get back on my feet my mother had my sister call my pager and trick me into telling them where I was. They showed up, took my car, left me stranded in the middle of downtown on my best friend’s doorstep and then began the process of taking my son away from me. I was 21 and scared. I had no money and no lawyer while they had plenty of both.
I did not do drugs. I was not a drinker. They did not like my boyfriend at the time and my house was messy. I was a single mother trying to adjust to a baby. There were times when there was no food in the house for me, but he always had everything he needed, whether I ate or not. But though they will tell you that I couldn’t take care of him, that was not the only reason that they took my baby boy. They also did not approve of my religious beliefs and thought that they knew better how to raise a child and so they took him from me. It is all too common these days for these grandparents to think that they know better and to destroy their children’s lives and their grandchildren’s lives by taking their grandchildren away from their rightful parents. Sadly too many of us were raised to respect our parents and to think that our parents want what is best for us…so we don’t know what to do when they are the ones that turn against us. What do you do when your parents cast you aside, take your child and then tell you that YOU are being selfish for wanting your child back? How sick and twisted does an individual have to be to think that this is ok? What mental illness tells a parent that it is ok to stop caring about your child and take everything away from them?
I have one child. I have lost 9. I will never be able to have any more children. I miss my son every single day of my life. I resent that my mother stole so much of his life from me. I resent that I was not there to hold him when he was sick or to be there when he woke up with a nightmare. I am haunted by my dad telling me that my son would wake up in the night crying for me and I was not there. I loathe them for what they have done to me…and a part of me weeps because I want to love my family. I want to be able to love my parents and have a good relationship with them but they destroyed that. Instead of helping their daughter who was lost and trying to find her way, they just cut her loose, threw her to the wolves and took away the one and only reason that she was still alive. Who in their right mind would ever think that was ok?
My son will be 14 this year. He has been taught by his grandmother that I am barely a parent. That since I only see him every other weekend, that means that I should not have any say in anything he does and that I have no right to make him mind me when I do have him. He has been taught that if he is not a christian he cannot live in their home, forcing him to choose between the life he has always known and change. My son has aspeger’s syndrome and he does not do well with change. He wants everything to just stay the way it is. So he does not have any freedom to explore what path he wants to follow as far as religion is concerned. He has been taught that I am a joke, that I am something to laugh at because I want to be his mother so much but they took that away from me. And he has been taught that it is ok to talk mean to people so long as you make them feel bad for not being able to take a joke because after all, its only words.
My mother has recently brought up wanting to adopt my son. I told her that there was no way, it was not going to happen. She has convinced him that it needs to happen and that I am selfish for not just letting her do it. I told her that I don’t trust that I would still be able to see him if she did because she has lied to me and used him against me when she did not agree with me in the past. To this I was told, “It always has to be about you doesn’t it?” This was from my mother. What I want to know, as MY mother, when is she ever going to make it about me, HER child. I know that my wants and needs are nothing when it comes to what my child needs and what is best for him. I wish to the Gods that someone would teach that woman the same lesson. I am tired of being hurt by her.
I am tired of being hurt by the one person who should have always been on my side….who should never have wanted to hurt me. And it breaks my heart.
A new hobby for spring? Could it be I am finally growing a green thumb??
I have taken the leap. I have been jump started, by the fabulous giving away of trees by my employer, into undertaking a new thing. I, your favorite (maybe!) opinionated activisty midwestern girl, am FINALLY learning how to grow things. I have purchased one of those seed starter sets that is like a little greenhouse, some seed starting soil (organic even!) and multiple packs of various types of seeds. I have flowers and herbs and a few fruits and vegetables. Here is hoping….right?
I also have several tree starts that I am hopeful will last until I can get them planted. I currently have them in some clay pots with potting soil surrounding them and plenty of water (but not too much) so that they will be good until I can get them into the earth or a big pot. I don’t know yet. Maybe we will just pot them in large plant pots and do that til they are big enough to really thrive in the ground. I don’t know yet.
I have grand thoughts. I have a grand design for the ultimate garden…I hope that it works out the way I want.
Here is hoping my dogwoods, flowering plums and pines don’t die. Here is hoping that my moonflowers, forget me nots, alyssums, morning glories, cosmos and whatever that other flower is along with my herbs (lots of them) germinate and sprout up and develop into beautiful functional and flowering plants.
I hope that it works. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it works. Wish me luck!
I should have posted this sooner….Bath & Body Works Revisited…
Ok so I know you all read about Bath & Body Works and why I love them so very much. Well I have fallen in love with them all over again.
Visualize this: you have taken a medication that made you break out in hives around about the same time that you started using a new shower gel and fragrance line from your favorite chain smell good store. The medication (which I will post about later! Stupid NP put me on ANOTHER thing that I am allergic to! I swear she is trying to kill me) ended up being one that you are allergic to which you never should have been on but you trusted the NP who prescribed it. So you break out in hives all over your face and chest and are just dumbfounded as to how. A visit to the pharmacy has you stop everything you are taking and switch to plain white dove just to slowly reintroduce everything and find out what the heck is going on.
Well I did this and found out that the diuretic I was put on was ALSO a sulphur drug (close chemical cousin to sulfa drugs). So after the break out clears up you go back to most everything you were doing. Except you have so many different scents from your favorite chain smelly good store that you don’t use that new line you had purchased for a while.
Then the big day comes. You decide to break out the creamy body wash and lather up in your new favorite fragrance, which is aptly named “Secret Wonderland” and is a beautiful color and a heady sweet smell that when you close your eyes it just makes you feel good all over. After shower you use your body butter on the feet, triple moisture body cream on legs and arms and perfume on chest. Body spray on the outside of the clothes and because it is a nice light fruity fresh scent it does not overpower but lingers just a touch when you walk out of the room,
About an hour later at work….there is one small bump. Eh…maybe just a break out. Not hives, just a pimple…no big deal. The next morning you lather up with the same luscious goodness and end up with a smattering, not just a few, a whole smattering of hives.
This is where I fall in love with Bath & Body Works again. I emailed them and they called me. They called me concerned for my well being and health. They immediately agreed to replace the whole line, because I had the WHOLE line. They sent a mailer to have it picked up and overnighted to them. They wanted to put the batch through testing and look for anomalies and see if this was something that just I was allergic to or if it was a bad batch. While I was in the process of sending things back they called their medical line and had them give me a call to take an incident report and make sure that I was ok. Yup you read that right. They called their medical line, told them what was happening and then had them call to check on me!! Once received, they sent me my replacements which arrived in a very nice box and in a Bath & Body Works bag inside of the box! I don’t know about you but I have a stock pile of things stored i Bath & Body Works bags. I love them. So handy.
So in short….I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Bath & Body Works!
Living Social Deal – Live Mocha
So I am pretty impressed with the deal on LivingSocial for a full year @ livemocha.com for only $39! It is normally $100 a year for the gold key access. I am on my way to learning Spanish finally. I am also learning a few others!
Happy Hysterversary?
I got an email today from hystersisters.com telling me Happy Hysterversary. To be honest, I had not even thought about it that today was the 1 year mark of when I had my surgery. It has been a really long year and there have been ups and downs and everything finally seems to be leveling out.
When I do take the time to think about it, it makes me think about what I lost that day. Really I gained my life back. Why do I keep thinking that I lost. I would rather just not think about it….
Oh Bath & Bodyworks….How I do love you so….
For a very long time I have been a faithful and loyal (if sometimes absent) customer of Bath & Bodyworks. Ever since I was in high school I have loved wandering into their fragrant space and reveling in the joy of the new fragrances. I would go in and buy some things (usually during the semi annual sale) and take them home and love love love them for about half a bottle…then ennui would set in and sadly I would lose my interest in the scent. Now it is true, there have been some that have had lasting power. Freesia was one of my favorites. Twilight Woods, Secret Wonderland, Dark Kiss and Warm Vanilla Sugar are also high ranking with me. Country Apple was my all time favorite but alas, they discontinued it.
Over the years I have amassed a large collection of scents that I thought would be wonderful, but ended up just being kind of -eh- for me. I have a cabinet filled with them that my wonderful husband has been graciously trying to use up to avoid waste. Well….that is all over now. I gathered up that cabinet worth of unwanted body washes and sprays, lotions and bubble baths and I packed them into a Bath & Bodyworks bag and took them back. You read it right, I took them back.
On a recent trip into the store to exchange some items my well meaning and loving husband had gotten for me for our anniversary, I found out about their return policy. A very liberal policy that I had never even thought to look up. I was informed that, no matter how much you have used it or how old it is….if you do not love it 100%, you can take it back! So I put this to the test. I took in bottles that I have been collecting for at least five years. I told them that I understand if there were some that they could not exchange. I ended up VERY surprised and VERY happy.
I traded in all those unwanted bottles for a bottle of perfume for me, a bottle of cologne with matching body wash, deodorant spray and lotion for my hubby, a body butter for me, a free wall flower and scent pod AND 2 three wick candles. I had over $100 worth of returns and in such I got over $100 worth of product! Now, it is recommended that you be honest. If you have two squirts of spray left, please do not take advantage of the return policy to restock. But even if you only have two squirts of spray left, they will exchange it.
I have a new favorite store….even if it was an old favorite store. I have a new reason to love Bath & Bodyworks.
An underserved population bucking the system….
Last night I went on a search of the internet. I looked high and low for a shirt that I have been wanting to get. It is a shirt from the band Pearl Jam. As many of you might know, Pearl Jam recently celebrated their 20th anniversary. I have seen a resurgence of the Pearl Jam “Choices” t-shirt and wanted it badly. I used to own this shirt in high school. I wore it all the time. I miss it terribly and would love to have it.
I went online to Rock World East. They are a rock memorabilia store that I have had good luck with in the past. Their service is awesome and their prices are pretty great too. I was unable to find the shirt any bigger than XL. Now, I don’t know if you know this or not, but dear reader, I am a woman of substance. I am not a twig. I have a lot of curves and I need a bigger shirt to cover them. I wanted this shirt in a 3x. Sadly I had trouble finding it. So…I emailed the company.
This is the email I sent: “I am a long time Pearl Jam and HIM fan. I have shopped with you guys before and have had nothing but great things to say about you. Christmas time is coming up and I am feeling very nostalgic. I used to have the Pearl Jam Choices t-shirt long ago and far away in High School. I have seen it making a major swingback through many retailers including your own. I wore that shirt almost every single day (to my mother’s dismay..fuck authority, right?) when I was in high school because it was so relevant and made me feel like I was saying something important. I would love very much to have this shirt again, however your site does not seem to allow me to purchase it in a 2x. Let’s face it, a 2x is going to be stretching it but I think I can make it work. My real wish is that you guys would make it available in a 3x. I would be eternally grateful and sing your praises from the rooftops. The rooftops, I tell ya. And for a chick that is looking for a 3 x t shirt, that is no mean feat. So in conclusion, please say you will hear my plea and offer this amazing and wonderful shirt in the size that I need so that I can be transported back to my youthful days as a grunge girl bucking the system and speaking out against oppression and authority…back before I was the one saying “Because I am the mom and I said so”. That girl is desperately wanting to be seen again. Thanks!”
The reply to which was:
“Lucky,
Thanks for your email.
We totally understand….however, we are not the licenser for these shirts. We are only allowed to print what is approved by band management… and right now we only have “Don’t Give Up” in stock in 2XL: www.rockworldeast.com/store/Pearl_Jam
We are sorry for the inconvenience. We are always looking to get a wider selection of sizing but we are forced to buy what is available.
Please let us know if you have any questions.
Kind Regards,
Amy, Customer Service
ROCKWORLDEAST Merchandise Wholesalers Inc. 888-431-9495 (Toll Free North America) 902-431-9495 (International) www.rockworldeast.com Suite 209-3807 Mont Blanc Terrace Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada B3K 6R9″
I understand that there are limitations that retailers have to deal with. After I had sent the email to them, I found the TenClub. On that site I found the “Choices” shirt in the size I need. I also found the “Alive” stickman hoodie in my size! I was ecstatic! So I emailed Rock World East back.
“I was actually able to find the Choices shirt on the TenClub website for the official fan club. They also have the Alive stickman hoodie in 3x. It is a shame you guys aren’t allowed to have them in those sizes. There is such a wide demographic of people who are underserved by the rock wearables retailer community. I look forward to shopping with you guys again. I hope some day I can buy things for myself with your store too.”
I really do hope that there comes a day when us people of substance can go to Hot Topic, Rock World East and other trendy cool stores and find clothes that we can wear. Just because we are big does not mean that we don’t want to dress cool too.
There was a reply to my email while I was writing this:
“Lucky,
We are restricted by the licensing contract for Canada. We are a Canadian company.
We agree with you in regard to sizing and we are trying to correct this oversight.
Thanks for your note and feedback.
Kind Regards,
James, Cuosmter Service”
I really hope that they can correct this oversight….
