Memories are a tricky thing….

When I was a little girl, I used to love to turn the channel when Grandpa was watching his cowboy shows.  He would chase me around the coffee table with a paddle when I did…but he never caught me and whipped me with it.  Grandpa didn’t say a whole lot but he was always there. 

I remember going with him to the flea markets, where he would buy up old knives and watches and sometimes even jewelry.  He would tinker with it in his workshop and fix it up, repairing the watches and making new blades and handles for the knives.  He would fix it up and take it out to sell or trade.  There was something about being out in Grandpa’s workshop that felt like being home to me. 

Sadly I have had a head injury and there are some memories that I do not have access to anymore.  There are things that I know but cannot see in my head how I know them.  I know that Grandpa bought me Spiderman and Batman comic books.  I know that he loved taking me with him to the flea markets.  I know that he loved me.  And I can catch glimpses of memories sometimes and I cling to those. 

My Grandpa was a simple man.  He liked simple things.  He liked to work on watches and knives.  He had a garden.  He liked to watch his cowboy shows and he liked to eat Post Toasties with bananas.  These are prominent memories of my childhood. 

I have many memories of my Grandma too but those are more conflicted and confused.  And since she is still with us, I will focus on Grandpa for right now.  Time to delve into the psychological trauma that is my Grandma another day.

My Grandpa was a very giving man, when he could be.  He and Grandma had divorced when I was in elementary school and after that he had a really rough time of it.  I remember my 13th birthday.  He brought over bags and bags of jewelry that he had gotten at the “swap meet” and spread it over my mom’s living room floor.  He told me to go through it and pick out anything that I wanted.  And that I could have as much as I wanted.  It breaks my heart that I do not have any of that jewelry any longer. 

If there had ever been a time that I questioned whether or not Grandpa loved me and thought about me, this was a time that quieted those thoughts.

Years later a box was found that had pictures of my Grandma, my mom, my sister and me inside of it.  When asked why he had those pictures in that box, he said “Those are my girls.”  Plain and simple.  No muss, no fuss.  Just honest love.

There are some wounds that are so hard to close that they just never heal.  In November of 2004, I lost my Grandpa.  He was 87 years old.  I know that there is no rationally thinking person that would believe that he would still be here today.  He was an old man and he had had cancerous polyps removed from his bladder a multitude of times.  He had been an old kentucky coal miner.  He had worked in many different fields.  I think that he worked on the rail road at one point in time, as well.  He had all the health issues that went with working in those industries.  He also had Crohn’s disease.  He had cancer of the bladder.  That being said, he was taken from us abruptly and far too soon.

Grandpa had been beaten down by life and was finally coming out of his shell.  He was talking to us.  Telling us his stories. Telling us about his family and growing up and the things that he lived through.  Then the idea was planted into his head that we did not love him and that my mom was stealing from him and trying to take everything he had. 

This was not true.  This was far from the truth.  He came out of one treatment at the hospital and was thrown into a rehab facility without our knowledge.  Put away in a place that we did not know and we were unable to find him.  We were unaware he was sick until it was too late.  The facility that he had been put into, instead of helping him get better, had just left him catheterized all the time.  A UTI killed my Grandpa.  A fucking UTI. 

He was 87 years old and had lived through a lot of hard times and a fucking UTI killed him.  He was put into the hospital because of the infection.  You know, we never think that it is the end and that we won’t have a chance to see someone we love again.  I was planning on going to see Grandpa that weekend.  Work was crazy.  I had just started a job at Anthem BCBS and was in their training program.  My boss’s boss came to find me and told me to call my dad.  He had wanted her to give me a message but she did not feel that it was her place to give me that kind of news.  I called and Dad told me, in a very inappropriate and uncaring way (Again, will deal with other family issues at another time) that my Grandpa had died and to call my mother. 

I miss my Grandpa every single day of my life.  I loved him greatly and I still do.  There are some things that you just do not get over.  You learn to deal with it and you learn to pick up the pieces and you move on with your life but you never get over it.  The feeling that we should have had so much more time with my Grandpa haunts me.  The feeling that my Grandma was so jealous of our relationship that she just stuck him away wherever she could and poisoned his mind against us….it eats at me.  It tears at my heart in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. 

I miss you Grandpa.  I love you.  And I will live my life and I will try to find ways to honor you….but I will never get over losing you.

Blessed Be The Horned God

I took this picture on a very special weekend.  On this weekend I was out with my girlfriends out in the woods.  We did a Goddess Retreat weekend where we got away from the kids and husbands and everything and just went into the woods.  It was such a wonderful weekend and I am very  much looking forward to going again next year.

When we were walking on the trails I saw this and as I saw it the song ”Blessed Be The Horned God” began playing in my head.  The song is by Kellianna and is a great pagan spiritual song.  Very upbeat and happy.  As I saw this uprooted tree’s roots I could see the Horned God with his stag horns and it made me smile.

On this walk I also encountered a few Fairy Mounds and multiple dryads.   It was a peaceful, beautiful and magickal day…and weekend for that matter.

My new babies are plants….

At least I know that they cannot break my heart.

A Mother’s Heartbreak….

Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers.  You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold.  You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer.  For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.

Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day.  A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight.  Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home.  He has not been home for the past two weekends.  This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears.  Generally.  This coming weekend is Mother’s Day.  This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy.  But no.  No mother’s day for me this year.

He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him.  That it doesn’t mean anything really.  This, of course, was after  he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent.  This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.

This breaks my heart.  But I know it is not his fault.  These are the things that go along with him being an aspie.  He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks  have.  But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.”  Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.

And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”.  Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight.  I prayed that he would call me.  He did not.  I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely.  I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.

Cosmopolitan what the HELL are you thinking?!?!?!

In the same week that the full transcript of the Kobe Bryant police interview is released in its ENTIRETY leaving no one with even the smallest shred of brainpower the ability to deny that he is most likely guilty of raping that poor girl, Cosmo lists Kobe as on of the 30 hottest guys in the NBA.  Seriously?  I don’t think rapists are sexy….do you?

I have long been debating on whether to renew my Cosmo subscription when my 3 year subscription runs out this year.  I think that with them acting this irresponsibly I will have to say thanks, but no thanks.

I am going to take a minute and get really deep and emotional with you all…..

My family took my child from me when he was just over a year old under the guise of it being just “guardianship” so that they could get him insurance since I had lost my job, was losing my apartment and everything was going south for me. Instead of helping me to get back on my feet my mother had my sister call my pager and trick me into telling them where I was. They showed up, took my car, left me stranded in the middle of downtown on my best friend’s doorstep and then began the process of taking my son away from me. I was 21 and scared. I had no money and no lawyer while they had plenty of both.

I did not do drugs.  I was not a drinker.  They did not like my boyfriend at the time and my house was messy.  I was a single mother trying to adjust to a baby.  There were times when there was no food in the house for me, but he always had everything he needed, whether I ate or not.  But though they will tell you that I couldn’t take care of him, that was not the only reason that they took my baby boy.  They also did not approve of my religious beliefs and thought that they knew better how to raise a child and so they took him from me. It is all too common these days for these grandparents to think that they know better and to destroy their children’s lives and their grandchildren’s lives by taking their grandchildren away from their rightful parents. Sadly too many of us were raised to respect our parents and to think that our parents want what is best for us…so we don’t know what to do when they are the ones that turn against us. What do you do when your parents cast you aside, take your child and then tell you that YOU are being selfish for wanting your child back? How sick and twisted does an individual have to be to think that this is ok?  What mental illness tells a parent that it is ok to stop caring about your child and take everything away from them?

I have one child.  I have lost 9.  I will never be able to have any more children.  I miss my son every single day of my life.  I resent that my mother stole so much of his life from me.  I resent that I was not there to hold him when he was sick or to be there when he woke up with a nightmare.  I am  haunted by my dad telling me that my son would wake up in the night crying for me and I was not there.  I loathe them for what they have done to me…and a part of me weeps because I want to love my family.  I want to be able to love my parents and have a good relationship with them but they destroyed that.  Instead of helping their daughter who was lost and trying to find her way, they just cut her loose, threw her to the wolves and took away the one and only reason that she was still alive.  Who in their right mind would ever think that was ok?

My son will be 14 this year.  He has been taught by his grandmother that I am barely a parent.  That since I only see him every other weekend, that means that I should not have any say in anything he does and that I have no right to make him mind me when I do have him.  He has been taught that if he is not a christian he cannot live in their home, forcing him to choose between the life he has always known and change.  My son has aspeger’s syndrome and he does not do well with change.  He wants everything to just stay the way it is.  So he does not have any freedom to explore what path he wants to follow as far as religion is concerned.  He has been taught that I am a joke, that I am something to laugh at because I want to be his mother so much but they took that away from me.  And he has been taught that it is ok to talk mean to people so long as you make them feel bad for not being able to take a joke because after all, its only words.

My mother has recently brought up wanting to adopt my son.  I told her that there was no way, it was not going to happen.  She has convinced him that it needs to happen and that I am selfish for not just letting her do it.  I told her that I don’t trust that I would still be able to see him if she did because she has lied to me and used him against me when she did not agree with me in the past.  To this I was told, “It always has to be about you doesn’t it?” This was from my mother.  What I want to know, as MY mother, when is she ever going to make it about me, HER child.  I know that my wants and needs are nothing when it comes to what my child needs and what is best for him.  I wish to the Gods that someone would teach that woman the same lesson.  I am tired of being hurt by her.

I am tired of being hurt by the one person who should have always been on my side….who should never have wanted to hurt me.  And it breaks my heart.

A new hobby for spring? Could it be I am finally growing a green thumb??

I have taken the leap.  I have been jump started, by the fabulous giving away of trees by my employer, into undertaking a new thing.  I, your favorite (maybe!) opinionated activisty midwestern girl, am FINALLY learning how to grow things.  I have purchased one of those seed starter sets that is like a little greenhouse, some seed starting soil (organic even!) and multiple packs of various types of seeds.  I have flowers and herbs and a few fruits and vegetables.  Here is hoping….right?

I also have several tree starts that I am hopeful will last until I can get them planted.  I currently have them in some clay pots with potting soil surrounding them and plenty of water (but not too much) so that they will be good until I can get them into the earth or a big pot.  I don’t know yet.  Maybe we will just pot them in large plant pots and do that til they are big enough to really thrive in the ground.  I don’t know yet.

I have grand thoughts.  I have a grand design for the ultimate garden…I hope that it works out the way I want.

Here is hoping my dogwoods, flowering plums and pines don’t die.  Here is hoping that my moonflowers, forget me nots, alyssums, morning glories, cosmos and whatever that other flower is along with my herbs (lots of them) germinate and sprout up and develop into beautiful functional and flowering plants.

I hope that it works.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it works.  Wish me luck!

I should have posted this sooner….Bath & Body Works Revisited…

Ok so I know you all read about Bath & Body Works and why I love them so very much.  Well I have fallen in  love with them all over again.

Visualize this:  you have taken a medication that made you break out in hives around about the same time that you started using a new shower gel and fragrance line from your favorite chain smell good store.  The  medication (which I will post about later!  Stupid NP put me on ANOTHER thing that I am allergic to!  I swear she is trying to kill me) ended up being one that you are allergic to which you never should have been on but you trusted the NP who prescribed it.  So you break out in  hives all over your face and chest and are just dumbfounded as to how.  A visit to the pharmacy has you stop everything you are taking and switch to plain white dove just to slowly reintroduce everything and find out what the heck is going on.

Well I did this and found out that the diuretic I was put on was ALSO a sulphur drug (close chemical cousin to sulfa drugs).  So after the break out clears up you go back to most everything you were doing.  Except you have so many different scents from your favorite chain smelly good store that you don’t  use that new line you had purchased for a while.

Then the big day comes.  You decide to break out the creamy body wash and lather up in your new favorite fragrance, which is aptly named “Secret Wonderland” and is a beautiful color and a heady sweet smell that when you close your eyes it just makes you feel good all over.  After shower you use your body butter on the feet, triple moisture body cream on legs and arms and perfume on chest.   Body spray on the outside of the clothes and because it is a nice light fruity fresh scent it does not overpower but lingers just a touch when you walk out of the room,

About an hour later at work….there is one small bump.  Eh…maybe just a break out.  Not hives, just a pimple…no big deal.  The next morning you lather up with the same luscious goodness and end up with a smattering, not just a few, a whole smattering of hives.

This is where I fall in love with Bath & Body Works again.  I emailed them and they called me.  They called me concerned for my well  being and health.  They immediately agreed to replace the whole line, because I had the WHOLE line.  They sent a mailer to have it picked up and overnighted to them.   They wanted to put the batch through testing and look for anomalies and see if this was something that just I was allergic to or if it was a bad batch.  While I was in the process of sending things back they called their medical line and had them give me a call to take an incident report and make sure that I was ok.  Yup you read that right.  They called their medical line, told them what was happening and then had them call to check on me!!  Once received, they sent me my replacements which arrived in a very nice box and in a Bath & Body Works bag  inside of the box!  I don’t know about you but I have a stock pile of things stored i Bath & Body Works bags.  I love them.  So handy.


Living Social Deal – Live Mocha

So I am pretty impressed with the deal on LivingSocial for a full year @ for only $39!  It is normally $100 a year for the gold key access.  I am on my way to learning Spanish finally.  I am also learning a few others!

Happy Hysterversary?

I got an email today from telling me Happy Hysterversary.  To be honest, I had not even thought about it that today was the 1 year mark of when I had my surgery.  It has been a really long year and there have been ups and downs and everything finally seems to be leveling out.

When I do take the time to think about it, it makes me think about what I lost that day.  Really I gained my life back.  Why do I keep thinking that I lost.  I would rather just not think about it….