Monthly Archives: May 2012

My new babies are plants….


At least I know that they cannot break my heart.

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A Mother’s Heartbreak….


Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers.  You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold.  You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer.  For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.

Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day.  A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight.  Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home.  He has not been home for the past two weekends.  This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears.  Generally.  This coming weekend is Mother’s Day.  This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy.  But no.  No mother’s day for me this year.

He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him.  That it doesn’t mean anything really.  This, of course, was after  he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent.  This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.

This breaks my heart.  But I know it is not his fault.  These are the things that go along with him being an aspie.  He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks  have.  But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.”  Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.

And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”.  Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight.  I prayed that he would call me.  He did not.  I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely.  I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.


Cosmopolitan what the HELL are you thinking?!?!?!


In the same week that the full transcript of the Kobe Bryant police interview is released in its ENTIRETY leaving no one with even the smallest shred of brainpower the ability to deny that he is most likely guilty of raping that poor girl, Cosmo lists Kobe as on of the 30 hottest guys in the NBA.  Seriously?  I don’t think rapists are sexy….do you?

I have long been debating on whether to renew my Cosmo subscription when my 3 year subscription runs out this year.  I think that with them acting this irresponsibly I will have to say thanks, but no thanks.


I am going to take a minute and get really deep and emotional with you all…..


My family took my child from me when he was just over a year old under the guise of it being just “guardianship” so that they could get him insurance since I had lost my job, was losing my apartment and everything was going south for me. Instead of helping me to get back on my feet my mother had my sister call my pager and trick me into telling them where I was. They showed up, took my car, left me stranded in the middle of downtown on my best friend’s doorstep and then began the process of taking my son away from me. I was 21 and scared. I had no money and no lawyer while they had plenty of both.

I did not do drugs.  I was not a drinker.  They did not like my boyfriend at the time and my house was messy.  I was a single mother trying to adjust to a baby.  There were times when there was no food in the house for me, but he always had everything he needed, whether I ate or not.  But though they will tell you that I couldn’t take care of him, that was not the only reason that they took my baby boy.  They also did not approve of my religious beliefs and thought that they knew better how to raise a child and so they took him from me. It is all too common these days for these grandparents to think that they know better and to destroy their children’s lives and their grandchildren’s lives by taking their grandchildren away from their rightful parents. Sadly too many of us were raised to respect our parents and to think that our parents want what is best for us…so we don’t know what to do when they are the ones that turn against us. What do you do when your parents cast you aside, take your child and then tell you that YOU are being selfish for wanting your child back? How sick and twisted does an individual have to be to think that this is ok?  What mental illness tells a parent that it is ok to stop caring about your child and take everything away from them?

I have one child.  I have lost 9.  I will never be able to have any more children.  I miss my son every single day of my life.  I resent that my mother stole so much of his life from me.  I resent that I was not there to hold him when he was sick or to be there when he woke up with a nightmare.  I am  haunted by my dad telling me that my son would wake up in the night crying for me and I was not there.  I loathe them for what they have done to me…and a part of me weeps because I want to love my family.  I want to be able to love my parents and have a good relationship with them but they destroyed that.  Instead of helping their daughter who was lost and trying to find her way, they just cut her loose, threw her to the wolves and took away the one and only reason that she was still alive.  Who in their right mind would ever think that was ok?

My son will be 14 this year.  He has been taught by his grandmother that I am barely a parent.  That since I only see him every other weekend, that means that I should not have any say in anything he does and that I have no right to make him mind me when I do have him.  He has been taught that if he is not a christian he cannot live in their home, forcing him to choose between the life he has always known and change.  My son has aspeger’s syndrome and he does not do well with change.  He wants everything to just stay the way it is.  So he does not have any freedom to explore what path he wants to follow as far as religion is concerned.  He has been taught that I am a joke, that I am something to laugh at because I want to be his mother so much but they took that away from me.  And he has been taught that it is ok to talk mean to people so long as you make them feel bad for not being able to take a joke because after all, its only words.

My mother has recently brought up wanting to adopt my son.  I told her that there was no way, it was not going to happen.  She has convinced him that it needs to happen and that I am selfish for not just letting her do it.  I told her that I don’t trust that I would still be able to see him if she did because she has lied to me and used him against me when she did not agree with me in the past.  To this I was told, “It always has to be about you doesn’t it?” This was from my mother.  What I want to know, as MY mother, when is she ever going to make it about me, HER child.  I know that my wants and needs are nothing when it comes to what my child needs and what is best for him.  I wish to the Gods that someone would teach that woman the same lesson.  I am tired of being hurt by her.

I am tired of being hurt by the one person who should have always been on my side….who should never have wanted to hurt me.  And it breaks my heart.