Category Archives: Love

I am going to take a minute and get really deep and emotional with you all…..


My family took my child from me when he was just over a year old under the guise of it being just “guardianship” so that they could get him insurance since I had lost my job, was losing my apartment and everything was going south for me. Instead of helping me to get back on my feet my mother had my sister call my pager and trick me into telling them where I was. They showed up, took my car, left me stranded in the middle of downtown on my best friend’s doorstep and then began the process of taking my son away from me. I was 21 and scared. I had no money and no lawyer while they had plenty of both.

I did not do drugs.  I was not a drinker.  They did not like my boyfriend at the time and my house was messy.  I was a single mother trying to adjust to a baby.  There were times when there was no food in the house for me, but he always had everything he needed, whether I ate or not.  But though they will tell you that I couldn’t take care of him, that was not the only reason that they took my baby boy.  They also did not approve of my religious beliefs and thought that they knew better how to raise a child and so they took him from me. It is all too common these days for these grandparents to think that they know better and to destroy their children’s lives and their grandchildren’s lives by taking their grandchildren away from their rightful parents. Sadly too many of us were raised to respect our parents and to think that our parents want what is best for us…so we don’t know what to do when they are the ones that turn against us. What do you do when your parents cast you aside, take your child and then tell you that YOU are being selfish for wanting your child back? How sick and twisted does an individual have to be to think that this is ok?  What mental illness tells a parent that it is ok to stop caring about your child and take everything away from them?

I have one child.  I have lost 9.  I will never be able to have any more children.  I miss my son every single day of my life.  I resent that my mother stole so much of his life from me.  I resent that I was not there to hold him when he was sick or to be there when he woke up with a nightmare.  I am  haunted by my dad telling me that my son would wake up in the night crying for me and I was not there.  I loathe them for what they have done to me…and a part of me weeps because I want to love my family.  I want to be able to love my parents and have a good relationship with them but they destroyed that.  Instead of helping their daughter who was lost and trying to find her way, they just cut her loose, threw her to the wolves and took away the one and only reason that she was still alive.  Who in their right mind would ever think that was ok?

My son will be 14 this year.  He has been taught by his grandmother that I am barely a parent.  That since I only see him every other weekend, that means that I should not have any say in anything he does and that I have no right to make him mind me when I do have him.  He has been taught that if he is not a christian he cannot live in their home, forcing him to choose between the life he has always known and change.  My son has aspeger’s syndrome and he does not do well with change.  He wants everything to just stay the way it is.  So he does not have any freedom to explore what path he wants to follow as far as religion is concerned.  He has been taught that I am a joke, that I am something to laugh at because I want to be his mother so much but they took that away from me.  And he has been taught that it is ok to talk mean to people so long as you make them feel bad for not being able to take a joke because after all, its only words.

My mother has recently brought up wanting to adopt my son.  I told her that there was no way, it was not going to happen.  She has convinced him that it needs to happen and that I am selfish for not just letting her do it.  I told her that I don’t trust that I would still be able to see him if she did because she has lied to me and used him against me when she did not agree with me in the past.  To this I was told, “It always has to be about you doesn’t it?” This was from my mother.  What I want to know, as MY mother, when is she ever going to make it about me, HER child.  I know that my wants and needs are nothing when it comes to what my child needs and what is best for him.  I wish to the Gods that someone would teach that woman the same lesson.  I am tired of being hurt by her.

I am tired of being hurt by the one person who should have always been on my side….who should never have wanted to hurt me.  And it breaks my heart.


The best surprise Ebay has ever had to offer


Sometimes in life surprises come our way.  I had been a long time fan of the band HIM when a friend of mine sent me a link to the video for “Join Me In Death” .  If you have not seen this video, it is beautiful, wonderful, amazing, gorgeous and just about any other word you can think of to describe something beautiful and heartbreaking.  I was reminded of how much I loved the band and began listening to them hard core again.  I couldn’t get enough.  I found that they were touring in the US on the Venus Doom tour and decided that I HAD to go, the only problem was that they never travel to Indiana.

I decided that if I could find tickets cheap enough, I would buy them and go where ever it was that I had to go in order to see them.  I called my sister in law and asked her if she would go travel with me.  She has always loved to travel and loved rock, so what better combination?  She said she would so I started looking for tickets on Ebay. 

I found a pair from a lady in North Carolina for the show in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina on November 27, 2007.  I bought the tickets and began emailing back and forth with the lady I had bought them from.  We talked off and on in email for a long time.

The week before the concert I went and got a new tattoo to commemorate my very first vacation in my entire adult life.  I got a heartagram tattoo on the back of my neck.

My new Heartagram tattoo...still healing and took pic myself....

I was so ready to go!  I found out that the lady I had bought the tickets from was going to get to go after all, and so we talked about meeting up.  When we met it was like we had known each other forever.  We had so many things in common it was eerie.  She had her mama with her for the concert and they had balcony tickets.  My sister in law volunteered to sit up with mama in the balcony and me and my Amanda got to be down on the floor.  We were no more than 20 feet away from Ville and the guys.  It was a magical night!  We even went around back and waited to watch them come out after the show.

It has been almost 4 years since that show.  I have been through a divorce, buying a house, meeting a good guy and getting remarried since then.  One of the few things that has not changed is that me and my Amanda are still good friends.  We are like twins separated at birth (and by about a month).

Yesterday I received a package from her.  It contained the beautiful HIM wallet featured above, 2 HIM ID/Cigarette cases, 1 HIM Zippo style lighter and about 7 posters (1 of which was bought at the concert we went to)! 

I love these things she sent me but more than that I love my Amanda friend.  She is the very best thing that I have ever found on Ebay!




Versatile Blogger Award – A cry for help…..


Ok so I am petitioning you, my readers.  I would like one of these.  Not because I think that it is an important award sure to bring me more readers.  But because I am currently writing a wandering rants blog, a survivor blog AND a blog that is going to be turned into a book once I have enough material in it.

My links are:

www.whereismyreallife.wordpress.com

www.victimnomore.wordpress.com

AND

www.adayinthelifeanaveragenorthamericanwitch.wordpress.com

So I would like for someone to give me one of these please.  Also, tell your friends…send them on over for some fun reading.  And while you are at it, tell WordPress to freshly press me.  Really, I believe that it is about time I got one of those things too. 

**finally takes a breath**

Ok rant over.


All hail the wonder and beauty that is Fin Rock


Now my husband and  I do disagree as to who the very best band out of Finland is…I have three favorites and he likes a completely different band.  My favorites, you might ask?  HIM and The Rasmus and Apocalyptica.  The three best bands out of Finland (and possibly the world) to ever record anything ever.  His favorite Finnish band? Lordi.  It does not matter really who likes what because in the end it is all wonderful. 

I love the band HIM so very much that I went and got a tattoo of a heartagram on the back of my neck and drove (with my ex sister in law) 16 hours to go see  them in Myrtle Beach in 2007.  Now that is dedication!  I am a heartagram child.  I am a lover of their music.  Hell, I even have been working on teaching myself Finnish so that I can understand the gorgeous words that Ville Valo has said in interviews in Finnish.

I may quite possibly be their number one fan.  It is a very possible thing.

Razorblade kisses and heartagram hugs darlings,

Lucky Star


Our trip to the Uproar Festival/XFest In Noblesville, Indiana!!


I woke up early on Saturday morning this weekend.  Got my kiddo up and in the shower…then showered myself, got dressed and headed out the door.  I was out the door before 9:30am on a Saturday.  Why, you might ask….Because we had tickets to one of the most awesome outdoor concert festivals that I have ever been to in all of my 33 years.

We stopped at the post office and mailed off a homemade scarf I  made for an old friend then we set out.  We stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast then hit I-65 North from Columbus to Greenwood.  We stopped in Greenwood to pick up my son’s friend Jacob then it was back on the road.  465 to I-69 then up to the Noblesville, Indiana exit.  We got there early because WE had wristbands to let us in early for the private concert by Noctura.  The singer sounds a bit like Amy Lee.  They were really good!

We then headed over to the “midway” area with all the vendor booths.  Way too much money later we went on over to the second stage.  We got to meet up with Orange Blossom Special and I bought their cd (AND got it autographed!  Those guys were really nice too!).  We listened to the second stage for a while.  Jake bought the Bullet For My Valentine CD so he got to meet the band.  My kiddo and I didn’t want to meet any of the bands enough to do that so we just chilled while Jake went to meet them (then came back in total shock and happiness)

Then it was time to make our way over to the lawn.  We got over to the lawn and hung out waiting for the show to start.  First up was Escape The Fate.  I had never heard them  before but I really liked them.  Next up was the Miss Uproar Contest.  It was kind of hokey but the boys liked the girls in skimpy clothes.  They ARE 13 year old boys after all.

Soon after Bullet For My Valentine took the stage.  I did recognize a few songs from stuff my kiddo had played before.  I can’t say as I was really knowledgable about their music but I liked them.

After BFMV left the stage it was time for SEETHER!  I am a HUGE Seether fan.  They came out and started with Gasoline.  Then took off into Fine Again.  They did Broken which is my all time favorite song by Seether ever.  They also did Fake It and Remedy.  Iwas a little bummed that they did not do Breakdown…but over all I was VERY happy that I got to see them again and that they were wonderful.  My son did not care for them much but his friend Jake became a fan.

Next up was Three Days Grace.  This is my son’s all time favorite band.  He claims Linkin Park and BFMV are his favorite bands…but it has always been 3DG.  He was up and jumping around and having a great time.  For those of you who have read my blog before you will know that my son has Aspergers, which is an Autism Spectrum Disorder.  This was MAJOR for him to be acting like that and to be so lost in the experience.  Then these two drunk assholes came barreling down the hill fighting and crashed into my baby boy and his friend.  I grabbed the kids and headed for safety but alas the damage was done.  The  boys were fine but my kiddo did not let himself get lost in the concert experience any further. 

The last band was Avenged Sevenfold.  We did not get to stay for the whole show because I was REALLY tired and beginning to hurt (Getting old sucks!) but what we saw of their set was very cool.  Their sound was great and it was a really cool set.

We left the show about 10:45.  We had been there since 1:00 so we had a really full day of  music and fun.  I am very glad that I got to take my kiddo to this event.  He may not realize it now…hell he may never realize it…but THIS is the kind of thing that memories are made of.  I am so proud of him for making it through the whole show and for letting go for a while.  We really needed that connect time.


The Closet Monster Made Me Do It


I will preface this by saying I read a blog by Deborah The Closet Monster http://deborah-bryan.com/2011/08/31/my-runaway-train-over-the-rainbow/ today and I posted a response but then I was rambling so I had to stop it abruptly and start my own ramblings on my own blog.  So, Deb, this one is for you 🙂

Where to begin?  Music touches that within us that cannot be expressed.  Aldous Huxley once said “After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music”  I think that this has been a theme in my life.  From being a very young child music was a part of my life.  I remember riding in the back of my Dad’s Buick and the Oak Ridge Boys song Elvira would come on and I would sing along with it.  There were various others too…Alabama, Neil Diamond, Gene Watson, Eddie Rabbit, Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, Beach Boys, Jimmy Buffett…if it was adult contemporary or country my mom and dad had it playing.

As I turned 8 my sister was turning 16.  She liked rock.  All things rock came from her room.  Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, Cinderella, Bon Jovi, Whitesnake just to name a few.  I wanted so much to be like my big sister.  I began listening to the same music she did.  I remember when she was 17 she was living at her daddy’s house and came over to mom’s to get ready for school so she could still go to the same school.  I would go down stairs and songs like “Janie’s Got A Gun” by Aerosmith, “Fly High Michelle” by Enuff Z Nuff, “Lost In Emotion” by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, “Poison” by Alice Cooper would be on Mtv.  There were many more…Slaughter…Damn Yankees…Escape Club…Nelson….If I could list them all it would be a never ending blog post.

Not long after my sister graduated and moved out we moved to Cincinnati.  I had a friend that listened to rap there.  So I got all about the rap and hip hop and R&B while I lived there.  En Vogue, MC Choice, Jody Whatley, Mary J Blige, The Ex Girlfriends….anything that was about how men were keeping women waiting and we were not going to have it anymore….Yeah I was belting out the Whitney and the Vanessa and the SWV and CeCee Peniston to name a few.  I also blasted A Tribe Called Quest from my walkman while walking the track at school.  Of course this is about the time that New Kids On The Block were HUGE and Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.  I went to see Marky Mark in concert the summer I turned 14.

Then we moved again the summer I turned 15.  While I loved the people that I knew when we moved to Terre Haute, Indian there are some things that I could definitely have lived without.  I was introduced to a lot of great bands around this time: Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, REM, Nirvana…basically anything great that came out of the Seattle scene when I was just starting High School.

I remember sitting in Sra. Maguire’s classroom in the first seat of the second row from the right when Channel 1 reporter (cannot remember if it was Anderson Cooper or Lisa Ling or that guy with all the hair gel that was on with them) reported that Kurt Cobain was dead from an apparent suicide.  I, too, still believe that Courtney either killed him or had him killed.

February of this year was one of the darkest periods of my life.  Not long after, actually on the Ides of March I met a friend who would be my boyfriend for almost 2 years.  He introduced me to Pink Floyd.  Somewhere along the way I developed a liking for the Doors, the Cure (though my first experience was thanks to Jenny Bradford in Middle School with the Cure) and the Beatles.  When I was very young I used to watch The Monkees on TV.

Senior year of high school we moved back to Indianapolis.  My music tastes continued to grow.  Now adding in Better Than Ezra, Fuel, Weezer, Incubus, Everclear, HIM, the list goes on and on.

The year I graduated I went to see Alice Cooper/Scorpions concert, KISS Reunion(The first one), Collin Raye, Rick Trevino, Clay Walker, Paul Brandt, Wade Hayes.  Soon after I saw Motley Crue (reunion), Puff Daddy and the Family, Aerosmith, Stevie Nicks, Clint Black, Shania Twain…there have been so many concerts that I cannot keep them all straight anymore.

Sometime when my son was little I met Seether and Powerman 5000 and Violent Femmes and Alien Ant Farm at a concert that I got to see them plus Godsmack and Mudvayne and Eve 6 perform at along with others.  Somewhere before he was born I saw Jon Bon Jovi, Richard Marx, Barenaked Ladies, Hall & Oates, .38 Special and since he was born much more than just Jimmy Buffett (twice), Poison (4 times), HIM (myrtle beach), Pearl Jam (twice)…

Just this summer we saw Poison/Motley Crue and the next day saw Soul Asylum and the Gin Blossoms.

I have adored much more music than I have actually gone to concerts, though I have been to several there are some bands I have wanted to see that keep elluding me.  I have never gotten to see Dave Matthews Band, Meat Loaf, REO Speedwagon, Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, Kenny Chesney, Faith Hill, Time McGraw, Reba, LeeAnn Womack and many others….

Tonight my husband and I are going to a free concert for Hospice which will give us the chance to see Grand Funk Railroad.   How cool is that?  And hopefully I will make my way up to Rib America in Indianapolis on Monday to finally finally finally get to go see Everclear.

This is very very cut short and leaves so many holes of my musical love out but alas I have to go get read for the show.  I will share more musical love with you at a later time.