Category Archives: Uncategorized

Memories are a tricky thing….


When I was a little girl, I used to love to turn the channel when Grandpa was watching his cowboy shows.  He would chase me around the coffee table with a paddle when I did…but he never caught me and whipped me with it.  Grandpa didn’t say a whole lot but he was always there. 

I remember going with him to the flea markets, where he would buy up old knives and watches and sometimes even jewelry.  He would tinker with it in his workshop and fix it up, repairing the watches and making new blades and handles for the knives.  He would fix it up and take it out to sell or trade.  There was something about being out in Grandpa’s workshop that felt like being home to me. 

Sadly I have had a head injury and there are some memories that I do not have access to anymore.  There are things that I know but cannot see in my head how I know them.  I know that Grandpa bought me Spiderman and Batman comic books.  I know that he loved taking me with him to the flea markets.  I know that he loved me.  And I can catch glimpses of memories sometimes and I cling to those. 

My Grandpa was a simple man.  He liked simple things.  He liked to work on watches and knives.  He had a garden.  He liked to watch his cowboy shows and he liked to eat Post Toasties with bananas.  These are prominent memories of my childhood. 

I have many memories of my Grandma too but those are more conflicted and confused.  And since she is still with us, I will focus on Grandpa for right now.  Time to delve into the psychological trauma that is my Grandma another day.

My Grandpa was a very giving man, when he could be.  He and Grandma had divorced when I was in elementary school and after that he had a really rough time of it.  I remember my 13th birthday.  He brought over bags and bags of jewelry that he had gotten at the “swap meet” and spread it over my mom’s living room floor.  He told me to go through it and pick out anything that I wanted.  And that I could have as much as I wanted.  It breaks my heart that I do not have any of that jewelry any longer. 

If there had ever been a time that I questioned whether or not Grandpa loved me and thought about me, this was a time that quieted those thoughts.

Years later a box was found that had pictures of my Grandma, my mom, my sister and me inside of it.  When asked why he had those pictures in that box, he said “Those are my girls.”  Plain and simple.  No muss, no fuss.  Just honest love.

There are some wounds that are so hard to close that they just never heal.  In November of 2004, I lost my Grandpa.  He was 87 years old.  I know that there is no rationally thinking person that would believe that he would still be here today.  He was an old man and he had had cancerous polyps removed from his bladder a multitude of times.  He had been an old kentucky coal miner.  He had worked in many different fields.  I think that he worked on the rail road at one point in time, as well.  He had all the health issues that went with working in those industries.  He also had Crohn’s disease.  He had cancer of the bladder.  That being said, he was taken from us abruptly and far too soon.

Grandpa had been beaten down by life and was finally coming out of his shell.  He was talking to us.  Telling us his stories. Telling us about his family and growing up and the things that he lived through.  Then the idea was planted into his head that we did not love him and that my mom was stealing from him and trying to take everything he had. 

This was not true.  This was far from the truth.  He came out of one treatment at the hospital and was thrown into a rehab facility without our knowledge.  Put away in a place that we did not know and we were unable to find him.  We were unaware he was sick until it was too late.  The facility that he had been put into, instead of helping him get better, had just left him catheterized all the time.  A UTI killed my Grandpa.  A fucking UTI. 

He was 87 years old and had lived through a lot of hard times and a fucking UTI killed him.  He was put into the hospital because of the infection.  You know, we never think that it is the end and that we won’t have a chance to see someone we love again.  I was planning on going to see Grandpa that weekend.  Work was crazy.  I had just started a job at Anthem BCBS and was in their training program.  My boss’s boss came to find me and told me to call my dad.  He had wanted her to give me a message but she did not feel that it was her place to give me that kind of news.  I called and Dad told me, in a very inappropriate and uncaring way (Again, will deal with other family issues at another time) that my Grandpa had died and to call my mother. 

I miss my Grandpa every single day of my life.  I loved him greatly and I still do.  There are some things that you just do not get over.  You learn to deal with it and you learn to pick up the pieces and you move on with your life but you never get over it.  The feeling that we should have had so much more time with my Grandpa haunts me.  The feeling that my Grandma was so jealous of our relationship that she just stuck him away wherever she could and poisoned his mind against us….it eats at me.  It tears at my heart in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. 

I miss you Grandpa.  I love you.  And I will live my life and I will try to find ways to honor you….but I will never get over losing you.

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Blessed Be The Horned God


I took this picture on a very special weekend.  On this weekend I was out with my girlfriends out in the woods.  We did a Goddess Retreat weekend where we got away from the kids and husbands and everything and just went into the woods.  It was such a wonderful weekend and I am very  much looking forward to going again next year.

When we were walking on the trails I saw this and as I saw it the song ”Blessed Be The Horned God” began playing in my head.  The song is by Kellianna and is a great pagan spiritual song.  Very upbeat and happy.  As I saw this uprooted tree’s roots I could see the Horned God with his stag horns and it made me smile.

On this walk I also encountered a few Fairy Mounds and multiple dryads.   It was a peaceful, beautiful and magickal day…and weekend for that matter.


My new babies are plants….


At least I know that they cannot break my heart.


A Mother’s Heartbreak….


Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers.  You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold.  You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer.  For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.

Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day.  A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight.  Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home.  He has not been home for the past two weekends.  This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears.  Generally.  This coming weekend is Mother’s Day.  This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy.  But no.  No mother’s day for me this year.

He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him.  That it doesn’t mean anything really.  This, of course, was after  he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent.  This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.

This breaks my heart.  But I know it is not his fault.  These are the things that go along with him being an aspie.  He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks  have.  But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.”  Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.

And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”.  Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight.  I prayed that he would call me.  He did not.  I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely.  I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.


Cosmopolitan what the HELL are you thinking?!?!?!


In the same week that the full transcript of the Kobe Bryant police interview is released in its ENTIRETY leaving no one with even the smallest shred of brainpower the ability to deny that he is most likely guilty of raping that poor girl, Cosmo lists Kobe as on of the 30 hottest guys in the NBA.  Seriously?  I don’t think rapists are sexy….do you?

I have long been debating on whether to renew my Cosmo subscription when my 3 year subscription runs out this year.  I think that with them acting this irresponsibly I will have to say thanks, but no thanks.


A new hobby for spring? Could it be I am finally growing a green thumb??


I have taken the leap.  I have been jump started, by the fabulous giving away of trees by my employer, into undertaking a new thing.  I, your favorite (maybe!) opinionated activisty midwestern girl, am FINALLY learning how to grow things.  I have purchased one of those seed starter sets that is like a little greenhouse, some seed starting soil (organic even!) and multiple packs of various types of seeds.  I have flowers and herbs and a few fruits and vegetables.  Here is hoping….right?

I also have several tree starts that I am hopeful will last until I can get them planted.  I currently have them in some clay pots with potting soil surrounding them and plenty of water (but not too much) so that they will be good until I can get them into the earth or a big pot.  I don’t know yet.  Maybe we will just pot them in large plant pots and do that til they are big enough to really thrive in the ground.  I don’t know yet.

I have grand thoughts.  I have a grand design for the ultimate garden…I hope that it works out the way I want.

Here is hoping my dogwoods, flowering plums and pines don’t die.  Here is hoping that my moonflowers, forget me nots, alyssums, morning glories, cosmos and whatever that other flower is along with my herbs (lots of them) germinate and sprout up and develop into beautiful functional and flowering plants.

I hope that it works.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it works.  Wish me luck!


Living Social Deal – Live Mocha


So I am pretty impressed with the deal on LivingSocial for a full year @ livemocha.com for only $39!  It is normally $100 a year for the gold key access.  I am on my way to learning Spanish finally.  I am also learning a few others!


An underserved population bucking the system….


Last night I went on a search of the internet.  I looked high and low for a shirt that I have been wanting to get.  It is a shirt from the band Pearl Jam.  As many of you might know, Pearl Jam recently celebrated their 20th anniversary.  I have seen a resurgence of the Pearl Jam “Choices” t-shirt and wanted it badly.  I used to own this shirt in high school.  I wore it all the time.  I miss it terribly and would love to have it.

I went online to Rock World East.  They are a rock memorabilia store that I have had good luck with in the past.  Their service is awesome and their prices are pretty great too.  I was unable to find the shirt any bigger than XL.  Now, I don’t know if you know this or not, but dear reader, I am a woman of substance.  I am not a twig.  I have a lot of curves and I need a bigger shirt to cover them.  I wanted this shirt in a 3x.  Sadly I had trouble finding it. So…I emailed the company.

This is the email I sent: “I am a long time Pearl Jam and HIM fan. I have shopped   with you guys before and have had nothing but great things to say about you.   Christmas time is coming up and I am feeling very nostalgic. I used to have   the Pearl Jam Choices t-shirt long ago and far away in High School. I have   seen it making a major swingback through many retailers including your own. I   wore that shirt almost every single day (to my mother’s dismay..fuck   authority, right?) when I was in high school because it was so relevant and   made me feel like I was saying something important. I would love very much to   have this shirt again, however your site does not seem to allow me to purchase   it in a 2x. Let’s face it, a 2x is going to be stretching it but I think I can   make it work. My real wish is that you guys would make it available in a 3x. I   would be eternally grateful and sing your praises from the rooftops. The   rooftops, I tell ya. And for a chick that is looking for a 3 x t shirt, that   is no mean feat. So in conclusion, please say you will hear my plea and offer   this amazing and wonderful shirt in the size that I need so that I can be   transported back to my youthful days as a grunge girl bucking the system and   speaking out against oppression and authority…back before I was the one   saying “Because I am the mom and I said so”. That girl is desperately wanting  to be seen again. Thanks!”

The reply to which was:

“Lucky,

Thanks for your email.

We totally understand….however, we are not the licenser for these shirts. We are only allowed to print what is approved by band management… and right now we only have “Don’t Give Up” in stock in 2XL: www.rockworldeast.com/store/Pearl_Jam

We are sorry for the inconvenience. We are always looking to get a wider selection of sizing but we are forced to buy what is available.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

Kind Regards,

Amy, Customer Service

ROCKWORLDEAST Merchandise Wholesalers Inc. 888-431-9495 (Toll Free North America) 902-431-9495 (International)   www.rockworldeast.com   Suite 209-3807 Mont Blanc Terrace Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada B3K 6R9″

I understand that there are limitations that retailers have to deal with.  After I had sent the email to them, I found the TenClub.  On that site I found the “Choices” shirt in the size I need.  I also found the “Alive” stickman hoodie in my size!  I was ecstatic!  So I emailed Rock World East back.

“I was actually able to find the Choices shirt on the TenClub website for the official fan club.  They also have the Alive stickman hoodie in 3x.  It is a shame you guys aren’t allowed to have them in those sizes.  There is such a wide demographic of people who are underserved by the rock wearables retailer community.  I look forward to shopping with you guys again.  I hope some day I can buy things for myself with your store too.”

I really do hope that there comes a day when us people of substance can go to Hot Topic, Rock World East and other trendy cool stores and find clothes that we can wear.  Just because we are big does not mean that we don’t want to dress cool too.

There was a reply to my email while I was writing this:

“Lucky,

We are restricted by the licensing contract for Canada. We are a Canadian company.

We agree with you in regard to sizing and we are trying to correct this oversight.

Thanks for your note and feedback.

Kind Regards,

James, Cuosmter Service”

I really hope that they can correct this oversight….


Have you been cheated by Casual Male XL or Destination XL?


This past weekend there was a coupon that was issued for $75 off of a purchase of $100 or more.  The coupon was good through 11-6-11.  When we logged  in on 11-6-11 the coupon would not go through.  One of the orders that my husband had placed has been cancelled and the money refunded.  No email, no call, no notification of any kind.  I contacted their service rep via chat yesterday.  The conversation is listed below.  I did inform the agent that I would be  putting this on my blog.  I am Jeni.  Casual Male’s agent is Diana.  If you feel you have been cheated by this horrible company also, please share your story.

Diana: Hello, my name is Diana. How may I assist you?
Jeni: I was made aware of the coupon you guys had this weekend that was to expire on the 6th.  I went onto the site yesterday to make a purchase for my husband for our upcoming anniversary.  Unfortunately it was saying that the coupon was not valid.  This is highly disappointing because the expiration date was 11-6-11 not 11-5-11.
Jeni: I can understand that there were many people who were taking advantage of the coupon because it really was a great deal…however to pull the coupon early is false advertising.  It is not right that your company did this.  I was not able to get on the computer without him around until yesterday when it still should have been active.
Diana: Thank you for contacting us. I apologize for the inconvenience. One moment please.
Diana: Please provide the email address, you received the promotional offer.
Jeni: I did not receive it via email.  A friend had the coupon and gave it to me.  I am not sure what email address they would have gotten it from.
Diana: Unfortunately, we can not honor the coupon. If you’d like to place an order I can honor 20% off. This is the best that we can do at this time.
Jeni: Well i will be contacting the Better Business Bureau about this.  It is horrible that your company chose not to honor a VALID coupon.  

Diana: I apologize for the disappointment. Our system flagged only the customers that received an email of this promotional offer.   Unfortunately it is no longer valid at this time. I’m sorry.
Jeni: Well i will be contacting a lawyer.  This is false advertising.

Diana: I apologize for the inconvenience.
Jeni: i want the number to your corporate headquarters and the name of your CEO and CFO

 Diana: Our corporate number is 781-828-9300. Our CEO is David Levin.

 Jeni: And the CFO?
 Diana: One moment please.
 Diana: Thank you for your patience. His name is Dennis Hernreich.
Jeni: Thank you.  You know it really is a shame that there are so few places to find quality clothes for plus sized people.  We are damn near forced to shop at your store for my husband, but then we are treated like this.  

Diana: I’m sorry for the disappointment and inconvenience this matter has caused. Unfortunately we can not honor the discount.
Jeni: That is fine.  I am copying this conversation to my very well publicized blog and will let as many people as I know and can get to in the blogosphere and online world know about your false advertising.


Oh how these mom and pop shops like to tease….


I do not know what it is.  It seems like every locally owned business that I visit has done this at one time or another.  Whether it be a nail salon, a used cd shop, a pawn shop, a pizza place, a yarn store… They all seem to be guilty of misleading me at one time or another. 

The horrible offense that I am speaking of is leaving the “Open” sign on well after they have closed for the night.  Some businesses DO stay open later than the hours which are posted on their signs…so I admit I have fallen prey to this.  I wonder sometimes if they have a hidden camera and are watching to see just how many do fall for this cruel joke.  I wonder if they are going to jump out and say “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera” or something equally asinine. 

The businesses that do this are varied and are owned by many a nationality.  There is absolutely NO common thread between them other than that they are not chain stores or franchises.  Just last night on the way home from the pharmacy we encountered a pawn shop and a buy here/pay here car lot with their open signs gleaming in the darkness, beckoning the  unsuspecting to pull in, stop and come inside…don’t worry…we will be waiting to serve your every need (Psych!!)

Those poor shoppers pull into these businesses with their lights on and stop their cars, take off their seat belts, haul their weary bones out of their car after a long hard day of work and walk hopefully up to the door.  Upon reaching the door their hopes are dashed upon the rocks of despair.  The business is in fact closed.

Curse you, small business owner that refuses to turn off your “Open” sign.  Curse you and your cruel mischievous ways.