So often in my head
I hear things that have never been said
I hear myself and I cannot explain
The voices I hear cause so much pain
It is not a voice other than my own
It speaks so loud when I am alone
Calling me out telling me I’m not worth it
Telling me to just disappear telling me I deserve it
Then you walk into the room
And suddenly I am no longer alone
Suddenly I am loved and I am home and I am free
Ok so this is me ranting a bit. Publically ranting about something that happened recently. I am sure that you have seen my other blog about my social anxiety…well if you have not then please check it here:
“Ok so here is what went down. My husband and I split up for about a month earlier this year. We are working on things and are stronger than ever…but there were some friends who were involved. My friends and his friends. Now most of the people who are his friends are people we work with. He got invited to a birthday party and made it seem like we were both invited. So I got off work, went home, did my hair, put on make up and got all dressed up. We went but the party time changed so we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant. It did not agree with him. By the time we got to the bar he was really in bad shape. So he headed towards the closest bathroom. We were spotted and I didn’t want to be rude so while he went home, I went in and hung out until he could make it back. Two hours later he made it back and we all hung out. Then….they all wanted to leave to go back to the hotel room. We were invited back with them. It was fun and everyone was having a good time but I felt awkward. Everyone was changing clothes and I did not know that it was that kind of party so I said that we would go back home and I would change clothes into something more comfortable and then we would be back. I texted to see how many glasses were needed because there were not enough in the suite. I was texted back by one person that none were needed. I asked if they even wanted me to come back and another person answered that question. Not even the person I had texted. I was informed that they were all shit-faced and I was better off where I was. I don’t have the birthday girl’s number. She seemed to be the only one who really wanted me there. Instead I got my feelings hurt and basically was told not to bother coming back. Now maybe this is me being a little overly sensitive. But seriously. If you were going to be like that, why would you not just make an excuse before I left and came home and was getting ready to head back out there door. WTF?? I am sorry but this is just not the way you treat someone that you want to be friends with. So my only conclusion can be that they don’t really want to be friends with me. Do you think that I am wrong?”
This being said…the two that did this to me…well…they have now unfriended me on FaceBook. Really? Seriously? The photographer and one of my bridesmaids from my wedding…and they have unfriended me and made sure to make sure that I did not come back to a birthday party that the birthday girl wanted me at. This is not friendship at all. It really bothers me that grown adults feel the need to act this way. And these are people that work in consumer relations and get paid to be nice to people all day long. Who needs friends like that, right? Karma will get them and they will be sorry.
Where did my real life go? The one I signed up for when I was a little girl? The one that I dreamed about for long hours as a teenager? The one that I thought I was going to have? Your guess is as good as mine.
Tonight I literally had ball sweat wiped on my arm because my husband had been digging at his crotch, thought it was funny when I said “Ew that stinks, go take a shower” and then thought it would be even funnier to wipe it on me. This is not the life I signed up for. I am supposed to be on stage somewhere accepting an award for being totally awesome while my adoring non ball sweaty husband sits watching in admiration. While my children (multiple) watch their mommy being honored.
My uterus was not supposed to throw out 6 babies before they were even recognizable as life. I am truly eternally grateful for my one and only son and I love him more than anything in this world but he was not supposed to be an only child. So what the hell?
I think that I am going to have to go talk to the clerks and find out where they stuck the real life when they gave me this one. Was it lost in some great cosmic airport somewhere? Was it sent to some person on the other side of the world and I got their life instead? I guess I will never know.